What isn't beautiful is:
A) It was several months after I moved in before I actually took the keyboard out of its case, put it on the stand, and plugged it in.
B) I've only taken that guitar out of its case once. I played it a bit and broke a string. It's been several months, and I haven't gotten around to replacing the string. So it sits, back in its case, untouched.
C) The only times I have played either of them, it was because I was working on a worship song chart from home, or prepping for a worship service.
And that's just part of the story that I'm currently processing...
I am, literally, a professional musician. I have a degree (in Music) and I get paid to use that degree for my career. I make my living off of that. And let me tell you, that's pretty amazing. I count my blessings every day that this is what I get to do. It really is an awesome gift and privilege.
But maybe there's more. Maybe I'm missing something. Yes, I am.
These days, though music is a constant part of my life, I've realized that I'm not actually pursuing it. I'm not going after more. I'm only using it for one thing. One really great thing, yes. But I just know that there is more. And it all hit me on Friday evening. So, I want to tell you what I did on Friday evening. It's a little series of things that all fit together...
#1. My friend Chad (see his website here) is a filmmaker. He has recently finished a film called 'The Evidence Of Hope'. (It's incredible and I want everyone I know to see it.) I have been honored to be able to support Chad and his film, and be a part of the two times our church has hosted screenings of the film. Friday night was one of the showings. I helped host the event.
#2. Unfortunately, what I missed, was a concert of some friends of mine. Not just any friends, but the band I helped to form, and was a part of for a few years. It's hard to explain how that plays into what I'm writing about here, but it does.
#3. I went out to a bar to hear a cover band. A friend of mine was the drummer, and they just played one fun rock tune after another, creating this really fun environment, particularly for those that love 70's and 80's rock, but really for anyone who enjoys hearing live music. Like me. And it was fun. And I knew that these guys spent many hours and worked hard, because they enjoyed it, and because they knew other people would enjoy it.
#4. Obviously, as is the norm, I drove around all evening cranking up the iTunes off of my phone. I sang along. And the very last song that played before I parked my car, was a live recording. Of me. I sang a solo as a prelude at church. That was kind of a big deal (that I won't go into). And therefore, this recording is a big deal and a great reminder of what that moment was and is to me.
At the end of the day, this was the thought that hit me: I miss performing.
There's something about being an artist, and having passions, and being driven to share that art. There's something about being a musician and creating, nuancing and preparing, and giving it all you've got, playing an instrument, and sharing a message and... being on a stage. There's a rush to it, there's a joy in it, there's a satisfaction in it. There's a "this is bigger than me", or a "this has been given to me and it's my job to share it" mentality.
And I haven't pursued that for awhile. I haven't done that for awhile. And I miss it.
'The Evidence of Hope' carries the themes of calling, oppression, justice, passions, dreams, and hope. I'd be a liar if I said that watching the film more than once, and hearing the Q&A particularly that night didn't awaken some things in me and cause me to think more about what passion and dreams are inside of me... that I haven't thought about in awhile.
Yes, I play and sing in front of large numbers of people on a regular basis. I'm grateful to be a worship leader. I'm blessed to be able to fulfill that calling and be a facilitator of people using music to connect with God. I'm blessed to be in a job where I support and participate in such ministry. It's awesome.
But there's still this part that I'm missing. And I really don't have a sweet little ending to this post. I just don't. So far, I'm just putting that out there.
Hopefully, there's more to come.
