I miss performing.

This is a photo of one end of my bedroom.  When I moved into this house, I was excited to have this little space for my keyboard and guitar.  A space where I could leave them ready, waiting for me to play, conveniently.  I could practice, I could create, I could just play.  It was a beautiful thought.

What isn't beautiful is:
A)  It was several months after I moved in before I actually took the keyboard out of its case, put it on the stand, and plugged it in.
B)  I've only taken that guitar out of its case once.  I played it a bit and broke a string.  It's been several months, and I haven't gotten around to replacing the string.  So it sits, back in its case, untouched.
C)  The only times I have played either of them, it was because I was working on a worship song chart from home, or prepping for a worship service.

And that's just part of the story that I'm currently processing...

I am, literally, a professional musician.  I have a degree (in Music) and I get paid to use that degree for my career.  I make my living off of that.  And let me tell you, that's pretty amazing.  I count my blessings every day that this is what I get to do.  It really is an awesome gift and privilege.

But maybe there's more.  Maybe I'm missing something.  Yes, I am.

These days, though music is a constant part of my life, I've realized that I'm not actually pursuing it.  I'm not going after more.  I'm only using it for one thing.  One really great thing, yes.  But I just know that there is more.  And it all hit me on Friday evening.  So, I want to tell you what I did on Friday evening. It's a little series of things that all fit together...

#1.  My friend Chad (see his website here) is a filmmaker.  He has recently finished a film called 'The Evidence Of Hope'.  (It's incredible and I want everyone I know to see it.)  I have been honored to be able to support Chad and his film, and be a part of the two times our church has hosted screenings of the film.  Friday night was one of the showings.  I helped host the event.

#2.  Unfortunately,  what I missed, was a concert of some friends of mine.  Not just any friends, but the band I helped to form, and was a part of for a few years.  It's hard to explain how that plays into what I'm writing about here, but it does.

#3.  I went out to a bar to hear a cover band.  A friend of mine was the drummer, and they just played one fun rock tune after another, creating this really fun environment, particularly for those that love 70's and 80's rock, but really for anyone who enjoys hearing live music.  Like me.  And it was fun.  And I knew that these guys spent many hours and worked hard, because they enjoyed it, and because they knew other people would enjoy it.

#4.  Obviously, as is the norm, I drove around all evening cranking up the iTunes off of my phone.  I sang along.  And the very last song that played before I parked my car, was a live recording.  Of me.  I sang a solo as a prelude at church.  That was kind of a big deal (that I won't go into).  And therefore, this recording is a big deal and a great reminder of what that moment was and is to me.

At the end of the day, this was the thought that hit me: I miss performing.

There's something about being an artist, and having passions, and being driven to share that art.  There's something about being a musician and creating, nuancing and preparing, and giving it all you've got, playing an instrument, and sharing a message and... being on a stage.  There's a rush to it, there's a joy in it, there's a satisfaction in it.  There's a "this is bigger than me", or a "this has been given to me and it's my job to share it" mentality.

And I haven't pursued that for awhile.  I haven't done that for awhile.  And I miss it.

'The Evidence of Hope' carries the themes of calling, oppression, justice, passions, dreams, and hope.  I'd be a liar if I said that watching the film more than once, and hearing the Q&A particularly that night didn't awaken some things in me and cause me to think more about what passion and dreams are inside of me... that I haven't thought about in awhile.

Yes, I play and sing in front of large numbers of people on a regular basis.  I'm grateful to be a worship leader.  I'm blessed to be able to fulfill that calling and be a facilitator of people using music to connect with God.  I'm blessed to be in a job where I support and participate in such ministry.  It's awesome.

But there's still this part that I'm missing.  And I really don't have a sweet little ending to this post.  I just don't.  So far, I'm just putting that out there.

Hopefully, there's more to come.

Prayers for my dad

Let's be honest, I'm normally not one to ask much for prayer.  I'm also apparently the kid that can go weeks at a time without having a conversation with either of her parents.

But when I lie awake past midnight thinking of conversations with my sister-in-law and father today, and it stresses me out, I know it means I need to rest in Someone else's power.  And since I feel like I can't do that alone right now, and more words come to mind than what I want to send in a mass text... this seems like a logical place to do it.

While galavanting Columbus, Ohio today, I learned two things (via phone calls) about my father's current life situation:

1)  He went in to the hospital today for tests regarding stomach pain and concerns he's had for the last week.  My dad is a 67-year-old generally healthy, hasn't been to the doctor in 30 years kinda guy.  (Yes, we know that's not smart.  He's stubborn?)  Ultrasounds show that there are some gall bladder issues, so he's scheduled for surgery in the morning to have it removed.

I'm not there to do anything about it... so if anyone wants to visit Regions Hospital on my behalf, it would be appreciated...

2)  He also recently found out that the house he's been renting for over 20 years has gone into foreclosure.  Do we start with the fact that that makes me want to punch this landlord dude in the face?!  Seriously.

He has two months to find a new place and move 20 years worth of collected belongings, etc... (half a bedroom full of mine that I need a place for!)  The reality is that the home is somewhat of a disaster that he hasn't well cared for.  This is way too big of a task for my brain.  And it stresses me out because I know I'll have to take a load of responsibility to make this move happen.

So.

A)  This is me sharing a part of my life that I'm not usually good at sharing.  Thank you for reading and caring.

B)  Your support is much appreciated.

Vacation

Well, I've got three hours to kill on a layover at the large and chilly O'Hare airport, on my way to Pittsburgh.  So, the natural thing to do is to pay $6.95 so I can get on the internet and write a blog post again, right?

I actually want to write a series of posts of happenings lately that include photos.  If this happens?  It will be fun.  We'll see.

I'm gonna start with my last vacation in February.  A mini-vacation, really.  I took a long weekend and advantage of a great Southwest sale to visit one of my dearest friends in life and favorite families.

We didn't really do much.  And that may have been the best part.  I mean, we ate Chick-Fil-A (twice), some really great Mexican food, and we went to church, and to the park, and a BK playland, ... and, well, Walmart... and that was about it!

Selah Dawn is the youngest of the three.  She loves me, she really does.  :-)  Precious little darling was wearing an outfit I sent for her birthday while she tore apart my wallet.  Yes, simply precious.

Titus is a little Monster truck all on his own... has become way more verbal than when I saw him last, and is hard to get still for photos.  :-)

Then there's this girl.  Five and absolutely amazing.  So proud to be her "Auntie Sarabody".

Her theology needs some work, but she's learning!

Love these kids!!!

Nate's farewell statement included, "thanks for doing life with us for a few days".  And I couldn't have asked for anything more.  I sure miss doing life with them here in Minnesota.  But at least when I visit them in Texas, I get to wear flip-flops instead of snow boots.  I won't complain about that!

Top 10 Reasons I Don't Wanna Be Sick Anymore

December was, as usual, a very very busy month for me.  It was filled with birthday celebrations, long work days, extra work days, shopping, Christmas parties, and other friend gatherings.  I had very little time to myself.  Then came Christmas, and all that comes with "I work at a church" life.  We had 8 fantastic services in 3 days.

I was thankful to maintain normal health through all of these days (though my gym time was minimal *ahem*).  Up until the very end of this December marathon I felt great.  I couldn't wait to have some time off from work so that I could have time to do the mundane things like cleaning my house!

Apparently, my body thought differently.  Literally, halfway through our very last Christmas Eve service, the day before complete freedom, my body just decided to quit.  I'm pretty sure I heard my throat, my singing voice, and my energy levels just declare, "I'm done."  And that was the end.

I spent much of the next week on the couch.  Okay, fine.  At least I have the time off of work.  Too bad the house isn't getting cleaned.  I endured that, felt better by the next week, celebrated the New Year, and felt great for a few days while life started to get back to normal.  Then it started all over again.  And it me hard!

Long story short, I've been sick for more days post-Christmas than I've been well.  And I'm tired of it.

Here's why:

10)  I hate coughing.  Coughing is gross, and loud, and annoying.  I've been arming myself with cough drops every time I enter a movie, or worship service, or meeting.  Sunday night I was sitting in the front row of church and had a cough attack with no water at my disposal.  I had to walk out, through the front of the church, loudly, and just barely composed myself before I had to return to the stage to play the piano for our communion worship set.  I hate being that kind of distraction.  It was ugly.

9)  I'm tired of the couch.  Plain and simple.  I love catching up on movies and random television.  But the couch gets boring really quickly.

8)  I love my job.  I don't like to take sick days.  I'd rather just come in and get stuff done and enjoy people and my work than feel like a wuss calling in sick.

7)  It just feels gross, and I'm always tired.  I sound terrible.  I laugh like an old smoker dude.  I don't have an appetite.  It's just simply NO fun.

6)  I can't go to the gym.  I finally have time again.  But I have NO energy, and feel like I have to save every last ounce of it so that my body can be healthy again.

5)  I have consumed endless amounts of Sudafed, Ibubrofen, DayQuil, NyQuil, fruit juices, cough drops, and Echinacea Tea.  I'm grateful for all of these things and to have them at my disposal.  But I'd prefer not to spend the money to keep them there.  And medicine tastes gross.

4)  I'm just behind on life.  I haven't found time to do the simple things like grocery shopping, and errands, and even paying the bills, or updating our cable.  Being sick just takes the life out of me.

3)  I miss all the fun stuff.  I've had to turn down lunches, concerts, and all sorts of fun events with friends.  I hate doing that.

2)  I can't sing.  This isn't like, a soul crusher to me or anything...

1)  I miss friendly interaction.  My friends have said things to me like, "I don't wanna stand next to you.", "are you sure you should be here with us?", and "I'm not gonna hug you."  I love my friends.  I love being with my friends.  I love hugging my friends.  And this makes me really, really sad.

Anyone else feel the same way?  I'm done.

My funeral prayer.

... and the melody that He gave to me ... within my heart is ringing ...

Funerals.  I've sung these lyrics at funerals.  Each of my grandmothers', in particular.  So, naturally, I cried singing them with the congregation today.  I've been a part of and attended many funerals.  I've been to funerals after a tragic death.  I've been to funerals of those who have suffered from cancer.  I've been to funerals of those that have died too young.  I've been to funerals of those that lived long faithful lives.  I've been to funerals of those whose faith we were unsure.

Funerals.  I know I've said recently that I kinda hate funerals.  They're hard.  They can be awkward.  And I never know what to say to the family.  And I just don't really like to "do" them.  As the musician, I'm not one to seek them out.  But I have a new confession to make:  I actually kinda love funerals.  Well, I mean, okay- that's a strange thing to say too.  But I do, because they impact my heart.  And, what else?  I know that my presence there matters to others.  And that's important.

In the last three days I have been a part of two very different funerals.  So I think I can verify that maybe the reason I tend to have a hard time doing them, is because they can take a toll on my heart.  I can be so sensitive to the emotion and the loss.  But at the same time they take a toll, there's always SOMETHING that happens in each service that strengthens and challenges my heart.

Saturday's funeral was powerful.  Our church hosted a funeral for a 23-year-old man, tragically killed, whose family had only once prior graced its doors.  We witnessed hundreds of "young people" mourn the loss of a friend.  It was hard.  But I didn't think twice about putting in extra time and pouring my heart into the music that I helped provide for this moment in time.  I can not express the honor that I felt in participating, and only hope and pray that by God's mercy and love, my being there shined some of that love on the family, and the people that gathered.

Today's funeral reached my heart in a related, but very different way.  Again, I didn't think twice about offering what I could for these friends.  And from the moment I read the biography on the program, I was challenged to live my life in a way that someday these same words would be written about me.  "She loved to sing."  Yep.  "She was truly a Proverbs 31 woman."  I can aspire.  "She also loved singing in the church choir and was game to be in skits or whatever was asked of her."  Awesome.  "She loved to play Scrabble... played as often as she could and usually won..."  Ha.  "Her desire for [the world] was to know her passion for Christ her Savior and for them to enter into a lifelong relationship with Him."

And then her son-in-law got up and shared portions of her diary.  From when she was 20 years old.  She lived through and wrote about D-day.  She wrote about FDR's death and Truman's coming into office.  She wrote about the day-to-day, her dates with men, college, and her singing opportunities.  And woven through it all was her devotion to prayer and serving the Lord.

And then my friend Kelsey stood up, and through her tears (which prompted mine) read a tribute about how her grandmother and her love and her faith impacted her life.  And my friend Kelsey is an absolute beautiful woman of God, who is teaching her children to love God, and whose treasured moment was that of her toddler son singing a hymn with her grandmother - caught on video.  Legacy.

So, if I want this, (and I do),  I have a choice to make.  I have a choice to make today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and every day for the rest of my life.  I want to be remembered like this.  I want to know that I have impacted people's lives and hearts.  And I want those people to gather after I have left this earth and talk about how they were blessed to know me.  Not because I think I'm awesome.  Not even because it's all about those words and songs and pictures and videos that they'll share.  I want to know that *I* have been a vessel of the good Lord above.  And that I loved because He did.  Today, in honor of sweet Shirley and all the saints I have ever known,  I choose that love.  And in my own prayer, and today's version of a diary, I desire for the world to know...

... The joy we share as we tarry there... none other has ever known...

Back to life.

My blog has been resurrected!  Finally!  

Ha.  Actually, I haven't written on this one for 8 years!  In the meantime, I wrote on Xanga (ligsar.xanga.com).  But I haven't written a post there in a year now either.
You can check out previous posts on either site.  Some of them are terrible.  Some of them are pretty good, if I do say so myself.  :-)

One of my favorites for the past couple of years is the New Year's one you're about to read.  In reading over some of my posts recently, I've realized I really like looking back at these ones.  (Seriously, if you start reading any of my previous posts, start with this one from last year.) So I want to make it an annual post.  Here goes...

2012

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before? Wrote a check to pay rent!  Ate grits.  (No, I did not like them.)

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I'm not big on making them... I really don't think I had any goals for the year!  :-S

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No?!

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.  I think I only attended one funeral - for a co-worker.  :-(

5. What countries did you visit? None.  Barely even made it out of Minnesota!

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012? How many years does this answer have to be a boyfriend?  Haha.  Other than that, I'm really in pretty good shape!

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August 2nd, I suppose!  I moved into my new house!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Moving into my new house.  :-)

9. What was your biggest failure? That one's always financial... I'm still not good at paying all my bills and managing my cash flow.  (True confession.  Yikes.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had strep throat for the first time ever.  It's disgusting.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A bed?  I definitely bought more furniture than I've ever bought in a year before!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? I can't help but always say my nephew Luke on this one.  He's an amazing little boy.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I can't say anyone personally... but, all those people you see on the news... you know the ones that kill people...  those ones...

14. Where did most of your money go? Educational debt, car maintenance, and food.  

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Moving.  :-)

16. What song will always remind you of 2012? Gangnam Style, obviously.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Slightly happier, I suppose.  God's been really good to me.  No doubt about that.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Well, working out is an usual answer, shoot.  I actually wish I had done more for other people.  I feel like I did a lot of the "minimum" and a lot of looking out for me, and didn't extend myself to make more of a difference in the world.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? ???

20. How did you spend Christmas? Christmas Eve - with my family and at church.  All beautiful.  Christmas Day - breakfast with some friends, and on the couch with a cold, watching movies.

21. How will you spend New Years? Well, this is past tense... (New Year's Eve) I hung out with my friend Abe for dinner, games, shopping, and a movie... then a party with all sorts of friends... then (New Year's Day) I went to movie and dinner with my friend Erin...  all good.  :-)

22. What was your favorite TV program?   Always and forever: FRIENDS and American Idol.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Nope!

24. What was the best book you read? Yeah, didn't do much of that...

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? All Sons & Daughters

26. What did you want and got? A new place to live.

27. What was your favorite film of this year? Oh man.  I saw a lot of movies this year...  NOT 'The Katy Perry Movie' though I loved it... umm... I loved 'The Descendants'.  And well, 'Les Miserables' was pretty incredible.

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 33.  I baked cookies.  My friend Chad made me chili and brought it over for lunch.  I had one meeting at church and then went out for happy hour with a bunch of co-workers.  Then I worked an incredible service at church and finished out the evening by going out with some girlfriends.  It was pretty awesome and I felt really loved, not gonna lie.  I wish birthdays happened more often.  We all need to feel loved like that more than once a year.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Immeasurably?  Satisfying?  That's intense.  And I think that one comes down to attitude, but I honestly can't answer that.  Really.  I'm just super grateful right now.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012? Old Navy.  Always Old Navy.

31. What kept you sane? Repeat answer: Solely the fact that I stand on a Solid Rock.  Seriously- don't know how it's done, otherwise.  

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I just really don't do that...

33. What political issue stirred you the most? Just recently: I'm getting more intrigued when it comes to gun control.  I don't know what the answer is.  But we've got to do SOMETHING to make guns less accessible and prevent more tragedies.

34. Who did you miss? The Petty family moved back to Texas.

35. Who was the best new person you met? Because I can pick just one?  Oh wait.  Judah Hoard.  'Cause he's one of the newest.  :-)  Ooh.  Megan Elston can be on that list too!  And my roommate Sonya.

36. Tell us some valuable life lessons you learned in 2012: This is why I need to blog more.  I have no idea...

See?  Fun.  Anyone else want to share their answers???

Stay tuned for another New Year post... with photos... I have a lot to be grateful for in 2012.

Just so y'all know, I've actually been posting more frequently on my xanga site recently. So click the link and check it out!

I finally around to getting some pics unloaded to put in here again....these are from Gina and Robert's wedding in Wadena on Dec. 18, me and the beautiful bride, my two dates, Daphne and Kyle ;), and me and "the two Joannas":